The singles extravaganza Smyrnabration was a huge success, but unfortunately for me, that wasn't Blake you hooked up with on the Ferris wheel. I was already locked into a farewell party for a good friend who will very soon be fighting overseas in Iraq. So yeah, instead of thinking up new ways to contort a woman on the giant game of “Twister” I was hanging with approx 10-15 engaged/married couples in the deep suburbs putting on the “game-face” for a guy going off to war. Unfortunate timing, yes... but honestly that choice was really no choice at all.
The Suburban Experience was certainly an eye-opener. Single guys will eventually look around themselves and notice that the cake walk is halfway through and the chairs are growing fewer and fewer. Your friends are starting to scrunch their noses at apartment living, and starting to pick up those free real-estate magazines at Publix. Your list of “Women I know that I’m not allowed to hit-on” grows way too long. And that guy nicknamed “Unstoppable” back in grad-school is tucking his shirts in after work hours and picking up trash during the party. It's called growing up, but more realistically "getting into a commitment." Because I know that if I'm not already making that shift, a committed relationship is going to find me there fast.
Friends start leaving the "wild-flavored" woman behind too. The "mint raspberry swirls with peanuts and sprinkles," are traded in for the good old reliable "chocolate or vanilla." Maybe the women themselves change. I could go for that, and I don't even like ice cream. (Please excuse further ice cream references... I'm practicing poor analogies this week. Or is it poor metaphors.. I need a Guinness...) Anyway, I’m at this farewell party and am literally target-less. The Committed are everywhere, truly and happily living up to their name. Even my buddy leaving to fight overseas has secured his address to send the letters home to. Good for him. But this article isn't for them. I repeat, this one is not for you Committedy types... with your Wine Parties and your Man Rooms... (Actually, I rather like the sound of both of those.) Moving on...
This suburban scene is something out of "A Very Brady Christmas" People my age talking about linoleum and mentioning how cute a garden would look in the corner of the yard now that "Ted's got his grill set up by the porch." Have my friends grown up this fast? How did I miss this? It all gets me thinking about how the guys I know have handled reaching this point. The point where a guy may say he's not looking for anything serious, but after suddenly realizing “+ guest” is becoming mandatory, re-evaluates. I’m thinking about the three weddings I’ve been in since April and the two I have coming up by next April. I'm thinking about how all these Committed are having their night of the week (possibly month), and I'm already planning what I'm doing after this shindig wraps up tonight. I'll be heading that way looking for a good time, while they are wine and cheesing it into the night and already having the time of their lives. And all this even has me thinking about the past women I've let go or been let go by along the way. Should any of them be here right now? I'm not really second-guessing people... it just got me thinking a bit.
How did most of my friends handle the "holy crap, I'm getting left behind!" stage of the game when it came? It's a lot harder for us ladies, and it doesn't run naturally with anything we're told in our locker rooms, sports bars, or other sites of great debate. Also, women seem to find a hell of a lot more "Best Friends" and "Soul Mates," than we do along the way. Seems like every other month there's a new one. What's that all about? But no need to fear. You see folks, I've been drinking. Four Guinness Philosopher's got this one wrapped up. The world seems a lot easier to figure when you've had a few beers. So I'm figuring, break them down into groups that tend to work with the guys I know, and that has to apply to everyone in the entire world right? Right.
1. "Well, when the time came to settle down, that one guy dumped his girl and went Magnum P.I." After that the only thing he committed to was a lifestyle of mustaches and younger women.
2. "That one over there took the easy road," he lowered his standards until “family-life” was a sure thing. (Good for him, he needed a reality check.)
3."That dude kinda disappeared," he pulled all the way back, found comfort and solitude in sports, “TV Land” marathons, and focused on his work. He’ll probably just purchase that family later on, and at a reasonable retail price too.
4. "And Christ! Those guys just got huge," they hit the gym harder than Barry, focused on impressing the "prettiest prize on the shelf," and worked out til it paid out. And their prizes look pretty good to me...
So I’ve got all these things kicking around in my head, I'm growing more brew-brilliant by the second, and I’m starting to think “which am I?” If anyone in life is so sure of their opinion as to say “there are X types of women in this world,” they better be prepared to tell you which category their mothers and sisters fall under right? So if my Four Guinness Philosophy holds true, I have to fall into one of these pits.. er... categories. Now clear-headed I know there are totally gray areas. But let’s just see…
I don’t have a mustache nor do I intend to grow one. Not a fan of “TV Land,” but love sports. I do get to the gym every week but am not trying to win any female "trophies" in the immediate future. Not focusing on the money quite yet, but definitely want to find my niche in “Career Land.” And am certainly open to a serious relationship but not really salivating for one. I guess I’m in that gray area. Damn. I thought I had this business figured out!
Cut to me writing this article, and maybe about two or three paragraphs up it hits me. (Somewhere around those incredibly current pop culture references. I totally lied about not liking "TV Land.") See you've got to actually want that commitment, with that particular person before anything should be expected or chased after. Try not to laugh at the "duh" moment, most of the people I know never figured this one out. I got one that married the first girl he ever went out with and they've never liked each other! For the rest of us, this is our Category 5. Category 5 is all of us out there open to anything, hoping for everything, but not expecting all of it now. We aren't jumping toward or away from those long term commitments until we've had our fill and found our flavor.
And how can we begin to make that decision until we've got a handle on what we actually want and can get an idea of who we actually want it with? We've got to work those samples at that "Ice Cream Shop” until we see which flavor we respond to (yeah... I'm back on ice cream). Maybe it really is one of the classic flavors, or maybe it's something we never even heard of. I've said before that the types of women I've been with were rarely the ones I should have been with. So my perfect profile's still a work in progress for sure.
The pressure of finding Miss Right - right now is tiring. That ain't me. And it rarely works out in the end, so why do so many keep doing it. We single-ites have to calm down. Now I know I can't begin to understand the whole "bio-clock" thing, and don't really want to. I told my cousin he was bought in a store and I'm going to stick with that rationale for now. But see, I’m not even in a relationship and this “Suburban League” had me thinking about joining The Committed after only a few beers. In some countries that would get me banned from the Men’s Room permanently. Screw that mindcontrol! It's a damned conspiracy, forcing me to feel guilty about playing the field and taking my time like that. If you need me, I'll be back in the city, focusing on having fun and making sure I got the means, mind, and health to keep doing it... Yeah, that's where I'll be. Maybe?
Because this is in no way an argument for the Bachelor's life. That's not for me. But they tricked me into becoming an advocate for them. (I never knew learning a new a guacamole recipe could be such an aphrodisiac for some of you women. I'll remember that.) But folks, it should never feel forced or pressured. Let's do it the right way. Which reminds me of something else that I think works across genders. A while back a friend of mine was going through a rough time trying to get his “one-and-only” back after a nasty bit of break-up. My advise for him was to focus on getting himself right first, that way no matter what happens, he can be proud that he is what he is. (Kinda like Popeye was saying.) When those break-ups come, try to focus on the constant that ain't leaving anytime soon. Sometimes the thing you are fighting so hard to get back, wasn't worth a damn in the first place. My friend was ready for that next flavor if this one didn't sit right in the morning. And later down the line, he ended up getting back together with her for the right reasons. He took the “need” and "right now" out of the situation and focused on reality. And what he realized was that she probably was the “one-and-only” for him after all. So he got himself squared and won her back. That's the right way. All together now… “Aww…”
And so, your humble narrator is pushing the Category 5 mindset, mainly because Atlanta is a very easy city to do it in. We have locales for every walk-of- life, great single/couple ratios and some of the finest looking people (::cough:: WOMEN) in the South East. So get your head on right and mix it up a little. Try a girl with a lip-ring or a guy that "seemed so dull at first." If you like dark hair, try out a blond guy. If you like short women try out a taller one. (Lord knows I did...) Regardless, hit that Category 5 and you’ll be in the right physical shape, mental frame of mind, and emotional attitude to find that special someone actually worth joining the Committed with. If you took out the pressure, and made sure it felt right along the way, you probably won't be able to mark when he "got serious" on a calendar. It will just come natural. Or maybe you'll realize the whole commitment thing's not for you and grow a mustache... At least you’ll have your little pink spoon at the ready just in case.
That last paragraph of inspirational cheese is dedicated to my 74 year old Great Uncle who acted as counselor and advisor to his two young impressionable nephews when he said, “What the hell has you idiot kids thinking you need to be going steady at your age?! Christ, haven’t you heard of dating?!” We were still kids, but I got the point.
Blake further apologizes to guys everywhere for losing the key to the Men's Room last weekend. He promises to have it back by Thursday night.
