Men are driven by their ego. This isn't exactly breaking news. It shares the same apartment in our heads as our "self-confidence" and they make fairly good roommates. Ego drives us to come up to you in a bar while friends are watching, and self-confidence drives us to come up to you when nobody else is around. Either way, we're talking to you right? Guys can confuse the two in their heads sometimes. A girl can build my self-confidence in the way she encourages me and focuses me and pushes me to be a better guy. But taking home the ridiculously hot girl of the group will give me a boost that can sustain me for weeks without hearing an encouraging word uttered.
We learn to get a handle on them later, like when we have to start families and become a "we" instead of a "me." But a lot of us haven't been in the "perfect relationship" that could lead to that yet. And if we thought we might have, we are probably wrong. There are very few near perfect relationships, but quite a few things in life that can boost that wicked little ego of ours. I say this stuff so you'll understand how the most decent guy will do the things he does. Why we lead women on, break from great relationships, stay in bad ones, and generally do all the things that earn us the title "typical male." By the way, I consider myself a decent guy. I never took a test or anything though so I don't have a score to back it up. Now…
The last two weeks have revolved around two women, with two very different personalities, sending off two very different motivators for me break it off before it grows. The first being nature's fault, and the second… well you'll probably think it's mine.
I've spoken about the first woman on-air. I was introduced to Tami about two weeks ago by a friend of mine. My friend thought we'd really have a lot in common and would be down for some fun while Tami was in town visiting. Tami was described as a very pretty, smart and athletic woman of Asian decent. That sounds like some fun to me, so I said "get me the intro, I'll handle the rest." When I finally met Tami I realized just how wrong the "petite Asian flower" stereotype was. Tami was athletic… but it was WNBA athletic, women's basketball athletic, and 6-7 inches towering over me athletic. Thank God everything else checked out. Beautiful, quick witted, and into me. Three things I tend to dig in women I've just met. I've got no issue with tall women so it was a little shock, but nothing shocking. Guys are taught to go for the tall women. I think it has something to do with "the media," but I'm not sure. I can't remember what the talking-head on CNN was telling me to think the other night. Regardless, I was surprised but in no way looking for that window to jump out of yet.
Everything that weekend went perfectly. Group-date Saturday night with friends who made me look good, number exchange, lunch and afternoon at Piedmont Park Sunday with just the two of us, and dinner and drinks in Buckhead Sunday night (strategically close to my house and far from the friend's house she was staying at). I was playing on the fact that she was leaving Monday to return home and was exploiting the window of opportunity we both were in. I normally don't go this all out, but if you have a recommendation from someone you put a lot of faith in, cover all the bases right? The plan worked and I had her convinced to crash at my place more easily than I imagined. The plan backfired in the bedroom, where I discovered that not all people are meant to be "together."
I have had off-nights in the bedroom before, maybe we had too much fun at the bar beforehand, maybe it was rushed, maybe it dragged on, or maybe it made me want to go to church the next morning. This night had been led up to brilliantly, only to discover that sometimes nature just builds folks to be incompatible. It just wasn't working out. I felt like I was trapped in some bamboo forest of Asian arms and legs. Every time I moved I got smacked in the face by another appendage. What had started as the tall, dark-haired lotus blossom had decayed into Cinder-zilla. Tokyo didn't have a chance. Legs and arms and repositioning and… well you get the point. Labor Day morning came and I felt like I truly deserved the day off. "Utter failure," was how I described it to my roommate. "Abysmal," in the strongest sense of the word, to my neighbor. "A cruel joke," to a female friend of mine. Total male ego shutdown. Mother Nature can have a wicked sense of humor sometimes.
So that was that. I wrote it off, and set about trying to coax my traumatized battered and bruised ego out from under the bed. So I did what most men do after such a crushing defeat. I went to Moondog's in Buckhead and hit on drunken women. The birthday-girl needed someone to remind her it was "her special day," and not the workers of America. That's cool, but she was way to far gone at this point in the night to be healing any egos. Furthermore, I may not have taken the "decency" test as mentioned earlier, but I wasn't so knocked down by the previous evening to go that far. Not to mention her friends or "bodyguards" weren't having any of that. But hey, bodyguards need love too. And the one that really needed it that night was Katie.
So I think you know how this goes. I did what will make most of you roll your eyes, shake your heads, and groan "typical." But as I said in the beginning, we are creatures of ego, and if something causes our ego damage we are going to correct it and correct it fast. Guys don't think it through or talk about it. We don't worry over it, we don't try to figure out what it all means, and we certainly don't "hug it out." This was how I fixed it. Even your humble narrator is guilty of acting the part. I'm not happy about it. It wasn't to brag about. It was for me personally. Interesting enough, I spoke to more of my friends about my own titanic tragedy the night before than I ever did about the Labor Day recharge, of which, I mentioned to my brother alone… and as of this moment, anyone with Internet access I guess…
But what a fantastic recharge! Bad beginnings led to quite an enjoyable evening, and no matter how shallow, pathetic, or "typical" it could be called, it was exactly what I needed. Katie was far from the prettiest girl in the bar. On the number scale I would say a solid "6." But wow, she was a total 180 spin from the night before. And by morning my ego felt like it had just finished Thanksgiving dinner and was lying down with some pie to watch a game.
Story finished right? Our humble narrator has proven he is capable of being just as bad as the rest. He selfishly satisfied his own sad ambitions at the expense of some innocent young girl, and all because he couldn't handle a "real woman." Well, I'm not sure about all that. But I will say that as the week went on, the booster shot to the ego faded. I felt worse and I knew why. I can explain why men do things, but it doesn't make it right or wrong. For me, this time, it felt wrong. I have had one-night-stands before. I think there's a heat and passion to them that most relationships will rarely see and often need. But this one didn't sit well.
In the two weeks after, I have spoken with both Katie and Tami multiple times. Katie because I had to call this girl and see if there was anything, behind the ego boost. There really isn't, we are about as different as you can get. But she's a nice girl and will probably stay on my cell phone "just in case."
I've continued with Tami because, to my surprise, she's apparently still into me, despite our "inconsistencies." Tami continues to amaze me in how we think alike in all the right ways, and differ in all the ways that make it interesting. And even though my newly supercharged ego is aching to get another shot at the title, logic is stepping in and holding him at bay. "What is a two hour drive out of town to give it another shot? We can do this," ego says. "We were crushed underfoot by the mighty Cinder-zilla last time. This isn't a Rocky movie my anxious little friend," says logic.
Sometimes it's hard for a guy to win out over that need to feed his ego. It's so deeply entangled with how we see ourselves as men, that we do lead women on, avoid leaving bad relationships, and make the biggest mistakes of our lives. We aren't all going to find that perfect relationship around the corner, but we will keep trying.
I continue to postpone admitting that it can't work out to Tami. Right now, she isn't feeding my ego. She's edging into that other area. The one that makes me feel better about my days and eases me down after work. And even though it can't work out, I'm not ready to lose that kind of good boost quite yet. That other side can be just as addicting.
