What I Want Ain't What I Need.

So I’ve been reassessing what I’m looking for in a woman yet again. It’s definitely been an evolution over time here. I tend to do this every few years. Kinda like Spring Cleaning. Something happens where we look around at the women we are dating or chasing or have recently gotten rid of and that little cartoon light bulb goes off. ::bing:: The women I wanted at 20 are far from the women I wanted at 24 which are far from the women I want today. The most recent fine-tuning began last April when my younger brother got married and it’s only now coming to its final (and hopefully stable) result. Took a while huh?

I’ve already mentioned how many of my friends are either married already or in the process of joining the ranks. Well having your little bro get all serious and married-like was enough to phase this guy for a few weeks. That little punk forced all eyes on me and got the ball rolling in a dangerous direction that found me looking at women and asking “is this girl someone I would want to commit to or be married to?” That’s no good for any guy to be thinking. Ladies don’t want that nonsense coming from their “Jeremiah Johnson.” And thank god that role’s already spoken for and you’re good at it girls. Plus, we don’t want to have thoughts like that pop into our heads and tear at our Mega-chismo. So we’re all in agreement.

The second stage saw legs and lungs develop for my little evolving thought process, when about a month or two back I spent an evening outside the parameter with the Suburban League of lame couples. That little episode had me scared straight or scared stupid, I’m still not sure which, but it made me realize that a serious relationship doesn’t need to be my goal right now. It can come when it’s right or it can just not come.

Now, thankfully, this latest plot twist on “What I’m Looking For” has shifted to something I can stick with. Something that makes sense for both my age and my attitude. Values have stepped in and taken a seat next to looks and outlooks. Now I left behind that whole “you must have breasts ‘this’ large to ride” thing a long time ago. But let’s face it, you have to be attracted to someone, even a little bit, before you can ever learn who they are in the first place. And when it comes to a woman’s outlook, I just can’t run with the whole serious ultra-professional. If she isn’t laughing (with me or at me) I’m not interested. So I’ll promise to think about whether you’d call what I’m wearing “sneakers” or “shoes” and you promise to smile at least three times a day. Ok? Deal.

Now my hope is that “values” will complete this ten year evolution and force the door wide open as to prospects. (My door wasn’t exactly covered in locks and deadbolts before) When you boil it all down, if you agree with how someone thinks in many or most areas, you’ve got yourself a good friend and partner in crime. But what a guy thinks of as important, and what a girl values are two different things. When it comes to my sister-in-law the only values that matter have something to do with “To House-Wife or not to House-Wife.” Another girl I dated went through a phase where you had to be Jewish, or convert to Judaism to have a shot. I know a girl who’s a little crazy who wanted nothing to do with a guy that wasn’t Asian. I overheard a bartender tell a patron “All I want is a guy that will let ME watch the Patriots instead of keeping him happy while HE watches the Patriots.” But I know it’s all kinds of stuff for us. If he’s a carnivore it might mean no vegans. For a politico it could mean voting the right colored state every election. It might come down to one bank account or two (a favorite of my brother’s). Or maybe dog vs. cat. Some people find smoking evil while others don’t see what all the bitching is about. If he’s a zealot it might mean helping him strap on the dynamite. We all got values.

So I’ve gotten to the point where I’m starting to care about mine. I’ve been seeing a girl the last few months that seems to agree with many of them. The problem is we don’t have a healthy sexual relationship and that has me going other places. She’s a beautiful girl but it just seems to end badly every time. It’s a curse or something. No matter how much weight we put on outlook and values a guy is always going to need that third quality. I imagine in a few years that’ll be the “true” final step in the evolutionary process. But Christ, I’m not looking forward to that one! Hopefully I won’t start thinking like that one until I’m married, old, and Viagra-less.