The Ex-Factor

Well it’s been a while, and a lot has been going on. Halloween has been giving Atlanta tons of opportunities to get out and find new friends for the cell phone. This is my favorite time of year for a million reasons, one of which is the “Mardi Gras-like” atmosphere this city seems to have for Halloween. And I have to say that the season was going along pretty strong, until about a week and a half ago when I got utterly derailed.

So there’s a certain dream we all have at some point in life. It’s been made fun of in almost every sit-com I can think of. (Clean thoughts people) I am talking about the “naked-in-high school dream,” or maybe the “haven’t-studied-for-the-test dream,” or maybe both at the same time, which is the worst version yet! You can be 16 years old, 45, or even 85 in a rocking chair and you’ll still bolt straight up in a cold sweat to this ever-ticking time bomb. That time of his life was a long ago for grandpa, but he’ll still give a shiver from out of his nap and tell you “there must be a draft in here.” No it was the dream. He totally just had it. Well there’s another event I can think of that can elicit this same sort of muscle seizing cold sweat reaction across the board, and it happened to me the other weekend and I’m still reeling from it. I ran into one of the ex-girlfriends. ::Bump Bump Baaaaaahhh…::

Now sometimes the Ex-Factor can be a nothing issue. It all depends on the how you ran into them. Like if you’re with someone way more attractive than the Ex. Or maybe they are with someone way uglier than you. Maybe you both run into each other by yourselves and just don’t feel anything. Who knows? Regardless, even if it’s not life changing, it’s a little shock to your Saturday. One of those, “I can’t believe that just happened,” moments. So I was at a Halloween festival a few weekends ago with a friend of mine. I’m a little groggy from the night before, but in a pretty good mood. Kids are running around, people are laughing, it’s a fun Saturday. Then I see her and who she’s with and I’m forced to make that split-second decision. Do I say “hey?” Do I let her walk by? Or do I make like Oscar and hide in that trash can until the storm passes. Well I’m no Muppet. I said hello.

Ships didn’t pass in the night, these were like jet skis, it was like “Hey, wow, what are you doing here, I’m here with my co-worker, have a great day, bye.” I didn’t know I could cram such lame small talk into a single sentence. She had been with her new boyfriend and obviously felt as awkward as I did. I turned around to my friend and she just shook her head. “What the hell was that,” she says to me. “What was what,” I say, still recovering from the exchange. “Co-worker? You lame ass,” she says. “You’re married,” I say! “Oh Jesus! I just meant you sounded like an idiot.” Damn… she’s right. I did sound like an idiot. I think I’m sounding like one right now.

And so I did exactly what the Book of Man forbids. I started thinking about calling the Ex. The worst Ex you can run into is the one where it didn’t end badly. This was one of those breakups where harsh words were never exchanged. It was a “bad timing” kind of thing. Those are mentally exhausting when you run into them later down the road. I think a lot of times a guy will be a severe ass leading up to the end just to help the break have some finality. If we make it more of a spiral fracture than a clean break, maybe we’ll never have second thoughts. That’s usually when we’ve decided it’s over long before you have. We’ll do that or just stop answering the phone. That’s another easy way out we’ll work. And this isn’t only a “young mans” disease. I heard about this happening to a couple in their late 30s – early 40s at my office. Immaturity can come at any age, and sometimes we’ll just spontaneously derail onto that track.

This relationship didn’t end like any of those nastier ones. I stung her once, she stung me once, and then we tried to remain friends. Yeah that failed. But I had actually stayed in a good position with this one. I had tried to make it work on the friend-level, I just couldn’t really keep it up. There is one key aspect of the “guy/girl friendship” that’s missing. Sometimes not having that aspect continue is alright, most of the time with me it isn’t.

So now it’s six months later and it’s all rushing back. Let me explain my current situation, because up until that Saturday I was feeling pretty good. I am still seeing this girl we call Tami who lives outside Atlanta. It’s going well and we’re having fun, nothing serious yet. I’m in a great mood because it’s October and every weekend is packed with opportunity. Even the night before the Ex-Factor occurred, I had got a date out of a girl I met at Compound. Which I might add, I have never done before. The clientele there can be a little tricky to work. Definitely a place you can’t show up to alone and you better pack some luck for the trip. So high spirits all around. Why was this affecting me. Jet skis remember? Quick and painless right? No.

And did I call her? Yes. We talked for a little while and it was cool, I mentioned I had been doing some traveling for work. She mentioned she was going to the same place I had just been visiting for a Christmas vacation type thing. With family? Nope. With the new boyfriend. Fantastic. Now I’m jealous over a girl I haven’t thought about in months going somewhere with I guy I could care less about. How does this stuff happen? It’s out of our control. An Ex can ruin your day or even your week.

We want to get jealous sometimes. Maybe we just want to get angry. It comes from the ego burn we take at seeing you happy (or at least we imagine happy) with some guy that isn’t us. That should affect my day in absolutely no way whatsoever, but instead it has me shaking my head all week. I may not understand be able to get why that happens, but I do know I’ll try to go easy on any girl I’m seeing when she runs into her own Ex-Factor. Because that little shock can affect us across the board. The natural response is that unfounded jealousy that will ruin your day, or at least your evening with whoever you’re with. I lucked out this time and was with a friend of mine. What would have happened if I had this blindside me while out with Tami? Or the Compound girl? It could’ve been bad folks.

Cute story. My grandfather recently went to his 50-something high school reunion. Now back in the day, he was apparently known to “cut-a-little-rug.” The dance was “The Shag” and it was apparently how he rolled. Now he was so good in his day that he was in dance competitions with this girl he had a huge crush on and dated for a while. They won these things with their seductive and risqué moves courtesy of “The Shag.” (This was before the Swinging Sixties and Austin Powers gave it that other meaning.) Now all these years later he is happily married to my grandmother (not Mrs. Shag-tastic). They’re at this reunion and he sees Mrs. Shag-tastic for the first time in a long time. He asks her to dance. (Scandalous trouble brewing right?) My grandmother is pretty cool about that kind of thing and lets him have his dance. She knows who he’s going home with tonight haha.

As he’s telling me this story he gets a grin on his own face. “You know, that girl had me wrapped up on her for years and years. And while I was dancing with her all I could think about was how much I wanted the song to end so I could dance with your grandmother.” It only took half a century, three kids, and a happy healthy retirement for him to lose that Ex-Factor reaction. Maybe I’ll go easier on mine.

Just Listen...

Please excuse the following article if it feels a bit rushed. I've been on vacation the last week and change in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Man it's great saying that. "I've been on vacation in Santa Fe, New Mexico." Haha... Ahem! Composure...

I recently got a call from a girl that had gotten the "no dice" in my book. I didn't hang up... She got me thinking... There are certain "situations" that I try to stay away from... typically it's prudes, serious folks, or women on a mission for commitment, but let's add to that, Chili's waitresses. Not because I know something you don't... just because I like blanket decrees, and this girl had me blankify the group. (Well... until another really really hot one comes along.)

When I was younger I was given the advice of "never run your mouth for the sake of talking." My uncle told me, if you have to say something, make it worthwhile. Well I run my mouth all the time. It's my thing. So I'm already screwed. Fine words spoken on unfocused ears. But I got the drift. Get an idea of what your saying and who you're saying it to, before you run your mouth. "Check." When it comes to the first date with the Chili's girl, well... I don't want to say conversation was like pulling teeth... but yeah... let's use that "old timer" analogy.

This was a girl that was dedicated to Chili's. If there is a middle management recruiter for that organization they need to focus on lower Forsyth County. Something in the water there is growing dedication. Take advantage. I met her at... ahem... Chili's and struck up a conversation at the bar (not the table) where my friend and ego couldn't find me if I failed. Waitresses are tricky business no matter where you're at. They're used to getting hit on as a playful thing so you never know if they "get" what you're shooting for. Plus they've heard it all before. So yeah, it's hard for us. At the restaurant they're there to make some cash, and if you can provide it you're on top of the "flirt pile" for the night. It's hard to learn if a waitress is into you or just "working." I got lucky. "Chili's" told the guy I was with, "tell your friend to stop checking me out" in a playful way. (My eyes do roam.) I got a little red and fessed up to being the "bad guy." It's funny how that works. It's creepy unless you like us right? Then it's kinda hot? I don't get that. I'll just keep doing whatever works I guess. Anyway...

"Chili's" was interesting. After speaking to her on the phone I learned she had a "game face" at work and a true side off clock. At work she had been flirty, witty, and kinda sexy. On the phone I was drifting off. This is saying something. I only do well in general because I have fun with people. I can make any situation endurable by acting like a fool or grinning, or making light of the everyday. That's my "in." So I'm pretty good at pulling us out of a dive when needed. I couldn't raise this girl. We kept talking about Chili's. The bartender, the waitresses, the customers. I figured it was nervousness but no... this girl loved some Chili's. This was boring to me, but she loved it. I was just trying to have a good time... and uh... get a "shot" so... "endurance."

When I asked her where she was having me take her for dinner, I expected her to list some joint she had never been right? Usually people in the restaurant business know what's hot at the moment and have the inside scoop on the best/new places in the area. TGI Friday's people. I can't make this up. She told me she really wanted to go to TGI Friday's. This was the coveted restaurant she wanted me to take her to. I nodded to myself and suggested a few Atlanta places on the radar (names withheld until I get financial compensation). But this girl really wanted TGI Friday's. They had a new menu and she really wanted to try it. (Like I said, I can't make this up.)

So we went to the joint. I had tried to shift her opinion and failed, so I gave in. She dressed like it was a date, but it just felt wrong. This joint had kids running around all over the place and was famous for the "Jack Daniels" steak. I don't get it. Now I'm sure for a few people TGIF is a great time. I mean, the Jack Daniels steak is probably delicious (do they still have that?). But I was out of my element... usually you people (women) say "where ever is ok," because you genuinely don't care. You just want to have a nice dinner, get a chance to ask us a few questions, and look at us long enough to decide whether we are worth a damn. (I would fail that test by the way) But this girl was so "matter of factly" pro-TGIF I had no recourse... I was being used to get an inside scoop on the competition! This is a first date people.

So here I am looking over a fajita/chicken fingers menu and I feel like I'm not doing it justice. She is reading the hell out of this sucker! I have never seen a woman look more intently at a menu. Ever. She is treating it like an Ayn Rand novel and there's a test Thursday for this girl. I can' believe it. She's "mad-dogging" the waiter for Christ's sake! She's taking on that tone with him where you think he's lying to you. "So exactly which medley of vegetables does it come with?" "So if it doesn't have that, it really isn't a Caesar salad then is it?" "Wow, I've never had a hamburger that didn't come with pickles." It could be "When Harry Met Sally" cute if it wasn't happening to me... Not cute folks.

I am half way through an attempt at conversation when the food arrives. "They don't even give you a salad fork." Does Chili's??? I don't know! I've been used people. I have been taken advantage of and used like some cheap... "simply heavenly" chocolate item. I was being used for "covert ops" over "the enemy." This was war and she was practically encrypting the menu in code for the Chili's HQ. I hadn't even been given the "Rosetta"... The rest of the evening wasn't a turn on. I learned a little about her, but mostly realized how into her job at Chili's she was. Her family was the staff, her "moments" were the times held in-between customers. She was happy. She had tried a regular 9-5 at a bank and it hadn't been the same. And as I listened to her, completely bored out of my mind, I realized that there wasn't anything wrong with that. It wasn't right for me, but who cares. I followed my uncle's advise. I didn't say anything. She wasn't "running her mouth for the sake of talking." She was talking about what she cared about. If it wasn't something I cared about... well... that's on me.

As you can imagine, it didn't go anywhere. But I did learn why the seats and walls are so ridiculously colored and decorated at Chili's. It's supposed to make you uneasy and lead you to the door. I also learned that they make there money from drinks and dessert, not the entree (higher margin of profit). I sat, surrounded by "See the California Redwood Forest" signs and Chile pepper decor and was bored out of my mind. But I started listening. Not to what she was saying, but how she was saying it. I could write an article about how it was "the worst date I have ever been on," and honestly, I even started out that way. But I think it showed me something else. She was comfortable being herself to a guy she had just met. That is awesome. More people should get that. It didn't work out but who cares... I am hardly a prize people.

She'll find her perfect guy around the bend. And he'll find her quirky nature endearing and "When Harry Met Sally" cute. That's awesome too. You just learn to listen... and that's important. If the guy is rolling his eyes then screw him. Look for the guy that'll listen. He'll probably groan and moan and honestly be bored out of his mind, but in the end, he at least listened to what you gave a crap about in the first place. Hell, I'll probably still be contemplating whether to go chicken or steak on the fajita. I'll think on it... I tend to go "combo."