Maybe I'm a hypocrite, but I want a do-over!
A few weeks back I was so proud of myself. Oh boy, was I gleaming! I had decided to single out the “good girls.” The ones with “values.” The girls who “got it.” Well now I’m not getting it and I got nothing but my own preening to blame. I’ve lived a pretty fun life up until now, but I can honestly say that Thanksgiving 2007 will tend to stick out like something Fido left in the snow.
I had decided that I would stop disappointing this girl Tami. (Yeah she has been a steady and respectable back burner since we began this romp a few months back.) She has steadfastly chased me and I have continuously reminded her that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. She always answers “Oh God, I know. Me neither!” I believed her. Idiot.
She knew I was going out, seeing other women, and she tended to be fine with that. I assumed she was doing the same. Idiot. She didn’t live in the city yet, and we only saw each other every few weeks. But somehow along the way, her move to Atlanta was involving me a lot more that I figured it would. Don’t get me wrong. She was going to move here regardless. But I heard a lot more of, “Well I can’t wait until I get down there so we can (insert couple-like action).” Hmm… I’m not thinking about “us” this often. There isn’t really an “us” to think about.
How can I derail this thought process? Well, she’s finishing up grad school and there’s going to be a lot on her plate, so I tried deflective comments like “Well you’ll probably want to focus on looking for a job/apartment/life. January could be kinda hard for um… yeah… all that stuff.” (I’m not even sure what the hell that means. I’m just trying to intercept some dangerous conversation paths here.) Her answer is painfully simple. “Family.” She’ll be working for her family, staying with her family, and focused on helping her family’s business. Wow. That is really… family orientated of her. A “good girl,” a girl with “values,” and a girl who “gets it.” Is this an Asian thing? Because it’s definitely a scary thing.
And then she makes the move (figuratively and literally), and the whole “values” thing I was harping on the week before, firmly harpoons me in the ass. “Let’s have Thanksgiving Brunch with my folks.”
“Um… huh?”
“Nothing serious, not like dinner or anything. They just want to meet you. In and out, like an hour. It’s a Japanese thing.” (I’m getting flashes of like, Papa-san ninja-ing me in half for having “tainted his daughter.”) This is an impossible situation. And yeah, I’m screwed.
My Options as they came to me that faithful evening:
Response 1: “Um… that’s a little much isn’t it?”
Outcome 1: “Why do you always think this is more than what it is!? I understand the whole ‘not serious’ thing. I’m tired of hearing it.” And…. fight.
Response 2: “Um… I can’t, I’m with family that morning.”
Outcome 2: “But you hate your family.” And I’m lying… and she knows it…. and… guilt.
Response 3: “Um… That kind of family introduction thing isn’t something I really do.”
Outcome 3: “It’s something I have to do. They are already asking about this guy I’m spending time with when I’m in town. It’s important to me. Why can’t you just give them like an hour?” And…. I’m stuck.
So I’m having Thanksgiving Brunch with Tami’s family. Yeah, bombard me with the “shouldas” and the “couldas” now. Mom’s smiling a lot, but not saying much. The two sisters, both married with children, are going nonstop and asking me all kind of pointed questions, they don’t really like me. Dad’s just as uncomfortable as I am. I’m struggling to find small talk and failing miserably. And for the first time in my life I wish I was with my family… and I hate my family.
This sucks. I’m only dating women who hate their families from now on.
I can’t be here, we aren’t to this level yet. I really could care less what her family thinks of me at this point. Can we just get back to the fun stuff? You were already winning out because of the “good girl” points, you were moving down to the city, and the sex was becoming increasingly better.
It’s not her fault, I know that. I’m not so clueless that I didn’t see her chasing. (I’m honestly not even worth a brisk jog.) But what I was looking for and what she was telling me was no where near what she was really thinking.
The awkwardness of that morning led to a fight the next day. My vacation weekend was spotted with calls or text messages accusing me of “not knowing what I want.” “I don’t get you.” “Why can’t you just let things happen?” I thought I was! That was my game plan for a while. Total disclosure. No leading-on. Nothing serious from day one… when I um… yeah… slept with another girl the night after. Damn. Well, ask a guy to be honest right?
So here I am. I went out this past weekend with this girl my sister-in-law set me up with and I got a message on my phone from Tami. The first in a week. “I’m sorry. What are you doing?” Guilt. I’m doing guilt now thank you very much. I was hoping to be doing something else in the next few hours but now I’m back to guilt.
Pretty weird huh? Before Thanksgiving 2007 I wasn’t guilty when I was out with someone else. I wasn’t lying to her. I was honest and up front about it. Now I kinda want to lie. I’m not going to; I can’t really do that sort of thing to women anymore. But see what the “good girls” are capable of? Freaking hypocrite.
